Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
