How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
