Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
