is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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