there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
