You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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