who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
