I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
