went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
