I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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