god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
