someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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