he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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