i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
