Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
