My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize