Did you just see the Batmobile???
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
