So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
