There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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