"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
