Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
