She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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