I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
