i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
