haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
