Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
