Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
