I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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