last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You need Xanax blowdarts
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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