i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
