I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
