Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
