Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
