Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
