just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize