remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
