he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize