just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
