Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
