woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
