I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
