my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
