I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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