some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
