I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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