i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
