just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
