i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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