The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
