Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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