So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
