my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
