Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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